Time For Some Fun

This job is unique. Nowhere else can you experience the intense stress and see the terrible side of the human condition while at the same time have so much fun. Police officers tend to poke fun at the macabre-- and each each other. We also are great practical jokers. The sense of humor we have helps us cope with the negative things we see on a daily basis to keep us distant from them. It's not about being cruel-- it's about getting us to laugh at ourselves. No one knows this better than me. I have a reputation of exploiting a co-worker's boneheadedness-- immortalizing his actions in the form of business cards handed out at roll call that advertise their comic misfortunes or perhaps a doctored photograph with an amusing caption in the Report Room. It's almost a rite of passage for someone to get a business card from me. One for the officer who started a chase on a car that ended up not being stolen, only to have other officers pull it over at gunpoint and wonder where the originating officer was. Or a card for the officers who shot a charging Rottweiler, not once, not twice, but 13 times! Or the officer who can't make it out of the parking lot in his cruiser without backing into a parked truck. Or the officers minding their own business on a call, only to have a bird overhead do his own business on them. Or the officer who was in the wrong place at the wrong time during a suspect take down and got kneed in the backside by a officer charging in. Humorous events in which we need to be reminded of our own humility and humanness. Sharing a laugh about these remind us not to take things so seriously. I may be the master, or at least the most active, of these "reminders." But I can still be bested.

One cold winter night, the kind of night when we were lucky to take maybe four calls an entire shift-- and two of those being self-initiated-- I was struggling for something to do to keep my eyes open. I was tired! The hot, dry air blowing from the cruiser's vents along with my two pairs of socks and long johns made me toasty indeed. And, at three o'clock in the morning on that boring night, all I could think about was curling up in a bed and entering dreamland. There is a particular place in D5 where officers can safely retreat to complete reports, read the paper or just wait for the next call without worrying about being bothered or having something jump off right in front of them. Plus, this "hiding spot" offers a nice view of downtown. I finally decided to make good use of this spot before I drove off the side of the road or into a passing car. I pulled in and turned off my lights. With nothing to do, I quickly succumbed to sleep. Unbeknownst to me, I had visitors during my slumber. An officer's voice on the radio soon brought me back to the present. Another crew was calling me. I knew the two-unit crew was trying to catch me off guard. Whenever I would disappear for a while and no one heard from me, it was assumed I was sleeping. I answered my radio quickly and as alert as possible. The officer asked to see me at a location not too far from where I was. To show them I wasn't falling for their "Caught You Sleeping" trick, I told them as chipper as possible that I'd be right there. I pulled out and headed in their direction down the hill and out of the immediate area. They weren't there yet. A cruiser was coming down the road. It wasn't the crew from the radio. It was a D3 crew from across the river. "I was in the neighborhood," he told me after pulling up along side me from the opposite direction along the curb. "Sounded like you guys might have needed help." "No," I told him. "Those guys are just messing with me." He smiled. "Looks like they succeeded," he replied. "What's all that scene tape doing on your car?" What? I went to open my door to get out and see what he was talking about, only to realize it wouldn't open more than six inches and I couldn't get out. As I pushed harder, I felt something give and heard the familiar 'snap' as streams of yellow crime scene tape stretched to their limit and fluttered to the ground after having been wrapped completely around my police cruiser dozens of times. "Jerks," I muttered, smiling to myself as they watched secretly from afar atop the hill. I hear later that somewhere now there's a complete portfolio in pictures of their handiwork and my dozing, comatose figure. I only hope after I eventually "one-up" them, which I am bound to do, the pictures don't end up surfacing when I decide to take over and run this department as their Chief. Time will tell, but for now I plot...